1. You didn’t hear their whole story.
Think about a time you shared a concern, complain or frustration with someone and they responded with something along the lines of “Oh! You need to talk to so and so…” or “that happened to me and what I did was…” or “Have you tried x, y, and z…?
Of course you don’t. Of course it didn’t. Of course you did. 9 times out of 10 they have jumped in after just a surface understanding of your issue having made a tenuous connection to their own experience and, fueled by an overriding need to be helpful/smart/efficient/done with the conversation, have provided you with the answer to what they think is your question.
You probably do this too. It’s not a bad thing necessarily. It’s just that, as managers, we get pulled into a lot of these kinds of conversations and they can do more damage in terms of wasted time or poor advice, than doing nothing at all.
What managers can do:
Before you start to answer, invite them to tell you more. “Tell me more about the situation” “What else can you tell me?” “Give me more context” “What have you tried so far?” “What would be most helpful?” Are all great questions to elicit more information and context so that if you are still moved to provide advice, it will be more relevant given the unique circumstance being experienced by the advisee.
2. Your advice is what YOU would do, not what THEY would do.
Your advice may completely resonate with – and even excite and enthuse – the person seeking help. But your experiences, perspectives, strengths, weaknesses and motivations are your own and your actions and ideas are borne out of that background. When they go to implement your suggestion it often becomes strikingly clear that while they’d like to, they are not equipped to. This can stall or prevent forward movement.
What managers can do:
Consider using a coaching approach as opposed to a consultative approach. Guiding the advisee to construct options from their own experience can produce more feasible actions which they are better equipped to take. Ask questions like “What next steps might make sense?” “How have you handled this kind of thing in the past?” “What part of this is most challenging?”
3. They are not looking for your advice.
Sometime peoples are just sharing some stuff. They’re letting you know what they’re dealing with or sharing a frustration or getting validation on how they’re feeling. They also may be looking to present the issue at hand AND how they are planning to deal with but they get hijacked by the well-meaning advisor before they’re able to finish their thought.
What managers can do:
Resist the urge to jump in and solve. Ask “how can I help”? Right up front and find out what they’re hoping for. They’ll have the opportunity to say “I need your help/advice” or “I want to run something by you” or “I know what I want to do I just need permission.” Or something else that provides some good direction for how you can shape how you spend your time and attention.